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Relationship anxiety can be toxic to your mental health and to your relationship. Dealing with your anxiety can be really hard, but acknowledging it is a big step forward. If

you’re feeling anxious about your relationship, calm your mind by focusing on the positives in your relationship and distracting yourself from your worries. Then,

confront the insecurities that are causing your relationship anxiety, such as past heartbreak.

Despite your worries, always respect your partner’s privacy and choices. Additionally, take steps to build a healthy relationship with them.



Anxiety Step 1
1
List the positive aspects of your relationship. Dwelling on your worries will make you feel anxious and stressed. On the

other hand, highlighting the good parts of your relationship can make you feel happy and relaxed.

Reflect on the nice things your partner has done for you, as well as your happy memories. This will help you feel less anxious.[1]

Look at photos of your happiest moments together.
Consider keeping a relationship gratitude journal.

Write down 3 things every day that you’re grateful for, such as your partner cooking dinner, a nice compliment, or a fun date night.
 

2
Talk about your feelings with a trusted friend or write them in a journal. Expressing your feelings can help you stop thinking about them.

Additionally, hearing your worries out loud may help you realize they aren’t likely to happen. Release your feelings by venting or writing them down.[2]

If you talk to someone, listen to any advice they have to offer. You don’t necessarily need to take it, but hearing their opinions may help calm your mind.

You might say, “I’m really worried that the long nights he’s spending at the office mean he’s cheating. I feel like he’s not interested in me anymore.”

Tip: It’s possible that your worries are valid, and a friend or loved one can help you decide if that’s the case. Talking to someone you trust can help you decide what to do next if your relationship may be in trouble.


3
Distract yourself from your worries by doing something fun or creative. Keeping yourself busy will help you avoid thinking about your relationship.

Plus, doing something fun or creative may help you feel better about yourself. Engage in a hobby you enjoy, go out with your friends, or try something new.

For instance, you might try something like the following:[3]
Join a recreational sports team.
Go for a hike.

Get a manicure or pedicure.
Visit a local coffee shop.
Go to an open mic night.
Paint or draw.

Go bowling.
Visit a local museum.
Play a video or board game.

4
Exercise to release feel-good hormones. When you exercise, your body releases endorphins that can improve your mood.

Engaging in exercise can be a great way to release stress and stop worrying about things.[4] Choose an exercise that you enjoy, then do it for at least 10 minutes to start feeling better.[5]

For example, go for a walk, run, take a dance class, do yoga, or go for a bicycle ride.

5
Use stress relief to manage your overall mood. Stress can make you feel more anxious about everything, including your relationship.

Identify ways that you can let go of your stress, then make them part of your routine. Here are some ways you can relieve stress:
Meditate for 10 minutes a day.


6
See a therapist if you need additional help. You may not be able to confront your insecurities on your own, and that’s okay.

A therapist can help you understand why you feel anxious about your relationship. Then, they’ll help you learn new ways to cope and how to better approach your relationship.

Additionally, they can help you build your self-esteem so you feel great about yourself.
Look for a therapist online or ask for a referral.

You may prefer to see a couple’s counselor with your partner.

Dealing with the Reasons for Your Anxiety

1
Examine your past and current relationships. Relationship anxiety is usually rooted in your past relationships. It may also be connected to fights you’ve had with your current partner..

Reflect on the hurts you’ve experienced in the past, then consider how they’ve made you insecure.
It may be helpful to list out the specific things you’re worried about.

In addition to romantic relationships, your relationship with your parents, relatives, and friends can also affect you.

Tip: If you’ve been hurt in the past, it’s understandable that you’ll be nervous about your current relationship.

Try to remind yourself that this person is different, and give them a chance to prove to you that they are dedicated to your relationship.


2
Question the things your inner critic tells you. Another common cause of relationship anxiety is an overly critical inner voice.

Your inner voice may tell you that you aren’t good enough or that your partner is doing the wrong thing.

When this happens, examine the thought to see where it comes from. Then, question the accuracy of the thought and replace it with something else.

Let’s say your inner voice says, “He doesn’t think I’m pretty anymore.” Look for evidence that this isn’t true.

For instance, you might remember that your partner called you “beautiful” that morning. Then, tell yourself, “He always tells me I’m beautiful, so this isn’t true.”

3
Give yourself the validation you need instead of seeking it from them. When you’re feeling insecure, it’s normal to want your partner to tell you everything is okay.

However, this puts a lot of pressure on them and doesn’t actually help you feel better. You need to hear that you’re an amazing, wonderful person from yourself.

Tell yourself exactly what you want to hear. When you have doubts, list the reasons why you’re awesome.

For example, tell yourself, “I’m my own kind of beautiful,” “I’m enough,” or “I’m a strong, intelligent person.”

If you’re dealing with doubts, tell yourself something like, “I’m my own kind of beautiful because I have radiant skin, a great smile, and a good heart.”

4
Counter worries with positive explanations for their behavior. You may find yourself worrying every time your partner is late or doesn’t respond immediately to a text.

While it’s easy to assume that they’re with someone else or ignoring you, there’s likely a completely innocent explanation.

Instead of worrying, list off alternative explanations that are neutral or positive.

For example, let’s say your partner calls to say they have to work late. Instead of speculating if they might be cheating, list alternatives like, “They’re probably starting a

new project,” “They likely have a client meeting,” or “They want to earn a promotion soon.”

If your partner hasn’t answered a text, tell yourself, “They may not have cell reception,” “Their phone probably died,” or “They’re likely in a meeting.”

5
Let your partner make their own choices instead of controlling them. You may feel like controlling your partner will help you feel better, but this will only ruin your relationship.

Allow your partner to set their own rules for how they behave in your relationship, and respect their ability to make good choices.

For instance, don’t tell your partner that they can’t go to happy hour after work, they have to check in every hour, or they can’t make new friends.

If your partner does things that hurt you, talk to them about how you feel. Say, “It makes me feel bad when you hide things from me.”

6
Avoid violating their privacy because of your concerns. You may be tempted to check their phone, email account, or social media accounts to look for signs that your suspicions are right.

However, doing so will only create distrust and will likely push them away. Maintain healthy boundaries by respecting their privacy.

Remind yourself that checking their phone or accounts is unlikely to help you feel better.

Finding nothing won’t make your insecurities go away, and it’s easy to misinterpret innocent texts or emails as something to worry about.

7
Talk to your partner about your relationship worries. Tell them exactly how you feel and why you think you feel that way.

Then, listen to their perspective on the situation. Discuss ways that both of you can help your relationship moving forward.

Use “I” statements when you explain how you feel. For instance, say, “I feel like you don’t spend as much time with me as you did before,” rather than, “You never spend time with me now.”

Recognize that your partner has a different perspective than you do. They may not have realized that you were feeling insecure because of their actions.

Building a Healthy Relationship

1
Enjoy the time you spend together. Relationship anxiety can ruin the time you have with your partner. Instead of dwelling on your worries, try to have fun with them.

Engage fully in the activity you’re doing, and show them physical affection.

For instance, if you go out to dinner, keep your attention on the food and the conversation.

If you’re hanging out at home, cuddle with them on the couch.
Warning: If you’re mean to your partner or

withhold affection from them, they may start to pull away from you. This can make your worries about losing them come true.


2
Discuss your individual needs with your partner. Let them know what you expect from the relationship.

Then, ask them what they expect, as well. Talk about ways you can both be better partners to each other.

This can help you both get on the same page so they don’t unknowingly disappoint you.

You might say, “I worry when you don’t come home on time, so I need you to tell me if you’re running late,” or “It makes me feel

insecure when you talk about your ex, so I’d like for us to leave our old relationships in the past.”
They can’t read your mind, and their idea of

what makes a good relationship may be totally different from yours. However, openly communicating about your wants and needs can help you build a better relationship.

3
Build intimacy by being open about your personal history and feelings. Emotional intimacy is just as important as physical intimacy.

Tell your partner how you feel, and share your innermost thoughts and secrets with them. This will help you deepen your connection.

You don’t need to tell them everything at once. Open up to them a little at a time. Over time, your relationship will become very intimate.

For example, tell them about your dreams for the future, your stresses at work or school, and your favorite memories from growing up.

4
Compromise when you disagree so that you both feel satisfied. You’re going to want different things sometimes, which can lead to disagreements.

When this happens, look for a solution that gives you both something you want. That way, you and your partner are both able to win, even if you don’t get everything your way.

For example, let’s say you want to have date night on Friday, but your partner wants to go out with their friends.

You might compromise by moving date night to Saturday night and deciding that you will pick where you go.

5
Pursue your own interests outside of your relationship. Falling for someone is an amazing feeling, but it shouldn’t take over your life.

Don’t lose sight of the person you were before your relationship. Continue to pursue your own interests and hobbies.

Additionally, help yourself grow as a person by trying new things and working toward your personal goals.

If you make your relationship the focus of your life, your relationship anxiety will get worse because the stakes will be higher. You need to remain an independent person.

6
Maintain relationships with your family and friends. Make time for your family and friends so you have other relationships. Go

to girls’ or boys’ night, get lunch with a family member, or join coworkers for happy hour.

This will help you feel better about yourself and will take some of the pressure off your romantic relationship.

Your partner also needs to maintain their other relationships, so don’t try to keep them away from their friends or family.


Shalom….

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